Letting it go...

Starting a new job, moving to a new place... Still alone. I must use this time to grow and change or I'll be alone forever. But how do I change and learn to trust if there is no one here to do it with...? Is it that I don't trust myself and I must change that first? I know that I don't trust myself because I always seem to put myself in situations where I'm voulnerable... When I was a child the hurt he caused me was not my control, I know that. But I can't get past my hatred for him and that's my fault. I just don't know how; and even as I wrote that burning anger welled up inside me... 'I won't forgive him, he doesn't deserve it. He deserves my hatred.' Will that hurt and pain ever go away...? Will it ever not permeate every relationship I have...?

There are so many things in my life I have forgotten; Childhood friends, great moments in High School, scents and sounds and loves and lovers. So why can't I forget some things I want to, why won't they just go away...? They permeate who I am and how I think no matter how hard I fight them... I've ruined relationships, friendships, and lost family ties because of you... I'm tearing apart a relationship with the man I want to marry because I can't trust him. But the reason I can't trust him is because I could never trust you...

Alone...

I've never been in a place like this before ever... I live by myself, I go home to an empty bedroom, an empty kitchen, no TV or Internet. I sit on my couch for an hour just staring at the random pattern on the stucco wall... I get up off the couch to go take nap, or drive down the street to go shopping for nothing... I'm completely frozen, going nowhere, working towards nothing. I am just alone to be me, and I've never been happier... How can that be possible? I hate being alone...

NewB

I just know I'm not going to be good at this... Just reading through so many of your blogs I am amazed at the talented writers floating around this Blogging world. Bear with me as I try to learn...